Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
oh what is to come when my single life starts with a threesome?
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