the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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