question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
