just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
