My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
