Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
