life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
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