I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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