i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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