fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
