Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
