ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
Randomize
