$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I DEMAND FORESKIN
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
