Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize