Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
