Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Randomize
