Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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