I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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