I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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