I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
