I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
just ate frosted cheerios in coffee with some marshmellows. the college diet begins
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
