I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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