put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
