Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
