it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
