I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
