Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
on a scale of one to ten, how awkward would it i told him i had to go change my tampon and then left?
11
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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