just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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