I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize