I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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