Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
