Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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