I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
