We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
