I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
