I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
