just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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