Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
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