I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
