Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
