My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
