wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Randomize
