i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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