Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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