my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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