honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
Randomize
