don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
