This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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