hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Randomize
