Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
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