why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
