I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
