just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
