Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
Randomize
