Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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