I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
