Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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