before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
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