The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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