Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
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