1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My v day was great. There's a cum stain in the shape of a handprint on my sheets
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
