your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize