I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize