I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
