the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
