dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
