Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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