my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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