I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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